


I’ll Love You

by Rose_557



Category: Merlin (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Angst with a Happy Ending, F/M, Hanahaki Disease, Knights of round table, M/M, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, Uther is still king
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-08-26
Updated: 2018-08-26
Packaged: 2019-07-02 23:05:21
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 3,773
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15806367
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Rose_557/pseuds/Rose_557
Summary: Merlin is fine. That’s what he tells himself.He’s fine, he says as he watched the Prince of Camelot throw his head back laughing that beautiful laugh.He’s fine, he says when the Prince is training in the field, with sweat shimmering in his golden hair.He’s fine as the Prince seems to grow closer to Guinevere.He’s fine when a small wilted rose falls from his mouth, specks of blood making the color darker.He’s fine.Merlin has hanahaki for Arthur and won’t tell him.





	1. It Started With You

**Author's Note:**

> I don’t own Merlin.

“Merlin!” 

The man in question jumped at the sound of his name. Merlin turned to see the crown prince of Camelot at the physician’s doorway.

“Arthur? But you gave me a day off?” Merlin was confused, Arthur did say he could have a day off right? Oh no did he just imagine that? 

“Right... but I have a job for you!” The blond said smiling, as he walked in. Merlin couldn’t help but smile a little himself, the prince’s happiness was always so contagious. “I need you to bring these roses to Gwen.” Arthur finished, what else did he say? Merlin saw his mouth moving, but wasn’t paying attention.

His smile faltered, “why can’t you just do it?” The he asked. “Because, Merlin. It wouldn’t be right to see someone as manly as the crown prince deliver roses to a servant girl. However,” Arthur said, clapping Merlin on the shoulder. “You’re just about girly enough to make it unsuspicious.” Arthur was smiling again, and before he knew it, the blond was making his way out the door. Not even a thank you.

Merlin sighed as he stared at the flowers. They were beautiful, pink roses seemed to glow against the red ones. 

Merlin has two secrets. Two huge secrets that if anyone knew, it would be his death. One being his existence itself, magic. He was magic and he would burn for it if he was found out. The other...

The other would be Merlin’s feelings toward the prince. He loved him. He loved him and would do anything for him, he nearly died for him! But he cant know either. Arthur was the prince, Merlin was his manservant. If Uther found out, Merlin would be disgraced and accused of taking advantage of Arthur. He would more or less be executed, or exiled. Both would take him away from the prince.

So he kept his feelings inside, boxed them up with a magical lock. But those feelings somehow slip out from time to time and Merlin finds himself just staring at the prince, wondering how such a person could exist. 

Sighing once again, he gently snatched up the bouquet and made his way out. He stopped at the door when this... full feeling started to grow in his chest. A sharp pain stabbed at his heart and let out a silent scream as he fell to the floor. 

Whatever was in him was filling up fast and creating a weight in his lungs. He couldn’t breathe. Merlin could feel something crawl up his throat. Was he cursed? He quickly tried to remember every person he encountered since yesterday, but the pain was distracting. 

Eventually whatever was scratching at his throat came out and floated elegantly toward the floor. 

A single purple petal, slightly dotted with blood. His blood. It lay scandalous within the pile of pinks and reds that fell to the floor when Merlin dropped them. The warlock just stared, horrified at the small petal. 

The heavy weight in his lungs shifted to find a more comfortable place, some shooting up to gag him again. Coughing, petals of all colors began to drift to the floor, tiny pools of blood accompanied them. Merlin held his mouth as he rushed to grab water, leaving a trail of blood and flower petals in his wake.

The cool liquid was able to slow down his vomiting, but a couple petals stuck to the inside of his mouth. Tears hung on the edges of Merlin’s eyes from the pain. 

He recognized these symptoms. Giaus talked about rare diseases that affected magic users, in the case Merlin caught any of them. He has. 

Grabbing a book from the shelf, he flipped the pages until it landed on a picture of the human lungs. In them were drawings of flowers, a garden within. Hanahaki disease.  
He couldn’t have that, it was too rare! The tangy flavored petals in his mouth said otherwise.

He knew he had secret feelings for Arthur, but to have Hanahki because of Arthur. This wasn’t good. He needs to tell Giaus... he would know what to do. 

Looking around, Merlin had to clean up. The roses he was to bring Gwen were covered in blood and petals of different flowers. Hopefully Arthur won’t notice that Merlin didn’t bring the flowers... 

Coughing slightly, the sick warlock began to mop up what he could.


	2. Unnoticed

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Two chapters in one day! Also just want to let you know that I didn’t go over this after I read this so I’m sorry for any grammar and spelling mistakes in any of these chapters. Enjoy though!

“Merlin?”

The door to Merlin’s room creaked open to reveal an elderly man, and Merlin’s guardian in Camelot. 

“Guais, Guais I need to tell you something.” Merlin said, throwing himself out of bed. “We’ll surely it can wait? I need you to grab some fire wood from the pile. It’s freezing in here!” For emphasis, the physician rubbed his arms as if shivering.

“But- I... okay...” He can tell him when he gets back. Merlin gave a small wave to his mentor before trudging out the door. The garden in his lungs bounced painfully with every step. 

The wood pile was on the other side of the courtyard, which was blanketed in light snow. The servant smiled at the tiny snowflakes as they drifted to the floor, despite his situation. Making it to the stack of lumber, he made sure to grab a few extra so he wouldn’t have to come back. 

Apparently a little extra was too much for his scrawny arms because next thing he knew, majority of his collection fell to the white floor. 

“Hey Merls! Arthur at you again?” 

The young man turned with a grin to face one his best friends. “Gwaine!” 

The longer haired man returned his smile, kneeling down to grab the fallen logs. “Where you heading?” Gwaine asked him. “Guais, he asked me to grab a few logs for a fire.” They began to walk together. “A few? You sure you’re not stocking up to burn down the whole castle?” The knight eyes the stack currently in Merlin’s hands and then his own. 

“Just thought I’d get extra so I wouldn’t have to later.” “Smart.” “I know.”

The two continued to chat, they took a longer way so they could some more time together. “How is Arthur treating you, by the way?” Gwaine asked out of no where.  
“Well... er, he’s treating me well. Still a prat, but he’s working on it.” Merlin said, they were passing the training grounds. Arthur was sparring with a few of the new Knights. As they walked, Merlin couldn’t take his eyes off of him.

He watched as Arthur paused to look over at one of the windows. Following his gaze, Gwen stood smiling, watching the mini tournament happening. The smile Arthur gives her feels like another stab to Merlin.

“That’s good... but if he ever does anything, if you’re hurt... you can tell me, you know.” He said. “Thanks Gwaine, I really appreciate that. But I-“ Merlin broke off into a fit of coughs. Dropping a few logs, he held his mouth. This wasn’t a very good time. Not in front of Gwaine, and especially Arthur. 

“Merlin? Merlin are you okay?” His friend had dropped some of his own logs in favor of patting the smaller man’s back lightly. Trying to swallow down the petals, he nodded. “Just a slight cold.” Merlin tried to tell him, wiping some blood from his lip.

Gwaine wasn’t assured but before he press further, Arthur called him over.

“Sir Gwaine. Shouldn’t you be training?” The prince said, swinging his sword expertly in a challenge. “I don’t know princess, seems like a lot of work.” “You could use the work, don’t want Camelot’s finest to grow slow.” “Are you calling me fat?” Gwaine gasped in mock offense. Merlin recovered from his previous fit and looked equally as offended.

“You clotepole that’s my line! Gwaine is in perfect shape, unlike another rich prat I know.” Merlin called back to the group. “I am not fat!” Merlin smiled. He could feel the petals coming up with vengeance, he had to go. 

“Merlin do you want me to take these to your chambers later? You don’t look so well.” Gwaine worriedly held a hand to the other’s forehead. Merlin nodded in thanks and rushed off before he could say anything else. 

“Playing mother now, Sir Gwaine?” Arthur called. He was a bit worried as well though... what was wrong with Merlin? It couldn’t be much. He may be an idiot but if he was sick then he would let Arthur know surely. So the blind shrugged it off and ordered drills for the younger knights.

“Merlin? Did you get the fire wood?” Guais asked as his ward rushed into the room. But he ignored the old man in favor of grabbing the nearest bucket. Retching colorful petals, stained with red, the bucket was about a quarter the way full when he was done.

“Merlin what’s wrong?” The physician was by his side in seconds with a glass of water. He checked for fever or any other symptoms he could find. 

“Hana-hanahaki.” Merlin choked out. Guais froze. Grabbing the wooden bucket, he looked to see the reds and yellows that had sprouted from Merlin’s chest. “My boy...” his blood ran cold. He gazed up at Merlin seriously, and a little curious. “Who is it?”

“.....Arthur. It’s Arthur.”

Something deep inside the older man told him that he already knew the answer. Dread filled every bone in his body. “Oh Merlin, what have you gotten yourself into...” it was more of a statement than a question. “There’s a cure right? There has to be.” 

“In order for the Hanahaki to be cured, the person who caused it must love the infected in return. Maybe you could talk to him.” He said. “You know I can’t do that Guais. He’s in love with Gwen, I can’t come between them. There has to be some sort of magical solution to this.” Merlin begged.

“There is one...” Guais paused. “Great! Tell me what to do, I’ll do it.” “Merlin this cure... it’s a spell that will remove the seeds of the flowers within, but along with it will be your feelings for Arthur. You will cease to have any memory of him let alone affection.” 

“No... there has to be another way.” The other only bowed his head, there was no other way around this. “I can’t forget Arthur, he’s my other half. How am I supposed to protect someone I don’t know?” “Merlin, talk to him.” “I can’t, worst comes to worst, he’ll tell Uther. And I’ll be exposed as a sorcerer!” Merlin rambled on and on.

“Merlin breath!” Guais warned him.  
“Arthur wouldn’t do that to you. If you don’t tell him, you’ll eventually die from suffocation.”

“Guess I’ll die.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> That was a pretty bad ending, and I’m sorry for that too. I might change it if I think of something better. But I hope you enjoyed anyway!


	3. Worst

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Merlin is getting worst, and people notice.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here it isssss! Also sorry for any grammar or spelling error.

Days passed and Merlin was only getting worst. Guais grew distant, always seemed to have a potion or whatnot to work on. His slight coughing fits or sudden absences didn’t go unnoticed.

In the beginning it was only Gwaine that bothered to look. He would fix Merlin with a curious gaze after he returns from coughing buckets of flower petals into the waste pit. Those looks turned more to concern after it happened more frequently.

Morgana was the next person, she may hate Merlin’s guts but even she knows of Hanahaki. Sometimes Merlin can catch pity in her eyes in between her facade. It shocked him, but not as much when she actually came to talk to him.

“Merlin... I still hate you and want you dead. But I know what it’s like to love and not be loved back, so I wish you a quick death.” Was what she whispered in his ear during one of his... episodes. But she was gone when he looked back up again. He couldn’t help but wonder how she would react if Merlin had made a different choice that day.

Some of the knights noticed Gwaine’s behavior and also took to watching Merlin. They were the nicest about it, even if they didn’t know what exactly had him sick. Merlin would often find small little gifts from the nicer knights wishing him to return to full health soon. Other knights would stop to talk to him in the hall for a bit. The elder knights, other than Leon, would offer him a small smile or curt nod. 

It may be ironic, but the knights made him feel loved. Like his hard work was appreciated and they saw him as equal. Or a dying man. 

Surprisingly Uther took note of his illness before both Arthur and Gwen, but he guesses true love can do that to you. Stop time and cause the world around you to be nonexistent. How Merlin longed for that mutual feeling...

Uther didn’t talk to him personally, but Merlin did hear the King talking to Guais about him.

“Guais, your ward seems rather ill. Don’t you think it best to give him something for his cough? I wouldn’t want my son catching whatever it is he has.” Uther told his physician when they were alone in his throne room. “Do not fret sire, what Merlin has is not contagious. Arthur will be fine.” “But of the boy?” “Merlin... he’s fine. I just hope he’ll take his own health into consideration once and while.”

Gwen saw before Arthur, it was actually Gwen who told Arthur how he was acting strange recently. 

“I saw him in the corridors, but when I went to say hello he ran.” Gwen informed Arthur. They were in his room, alone. But only talking.

“Well that’s just Merlin, what do you expect?” Arthur asked easily, leaning on his desk and staring into those perfect brown eyes. “I expect to not find him kneeling over a bucket, coughing his lungs out.” Gwen glared. Arthur should take this more seriously. Merlin was his best friend and servant. 

“Fine, I’ll talk to him. But it’s more than likely nothing, it’s Merlin! He’ll cry bloody murder if he stubs his toe!” Gwen wasn’t happy with his answer, and left him in his room.

Merlin stood in the stables, brushing Arthur’s horse. The horse was a chestnut, young and strong. Much like its rider, its seen many battles and yet was still beautiful.

A rather hard pat on the back sends Merlin flying to the stable floor. He stayed down, not because of fear, because he couldn’t. Whatever hit him, hit him hard enough to jostle the salad of flowers inside him. 

“Merlin! Thought I’d find you here. I need to talk to you...” He looked up, a blinding smile, warm voice. Blue eyes met his own. Arthur. 

Something large began to charge its way up his throat. Not now, please not now. Not while Arthur is here. But this was much bigger than the petals and it was painful and severely uncomfortable.

“Gwen talked to me earlier, she claimed you were sick. But-“ he stopped mid sentence when he saw the pale look on his servants face. “You aren’t really sick, are you?”

As an answer, the lump shot up into his mouth, forcing him to turn the other way and let it out. A whole white daisy painted red sat on the hay. Blood pooled pooled out of his mouth along with other petals.

“Arthur I-“ More flowers tore through him and out onto the ground. More blood. One, two, three, four, five different flowers. And more to come.

The prince watched silently shocked. Were those... flowers?  
He heard a scream from behind him, it was angry. Arthur was thrown to the side as Gwaine kneeled down beside Merlin. But he too paused upon seeing the flowers coming from seemingly no where, covered in blood.

Two knights of Camelot and a dying royal servant sat in the stables on a cold winter day.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> What will they dooo???


	4. Forgetten

After a few minutes, Arthur snapped out of it and grabbed the skinnier man. He rushed him across the castle, Gwaine right behind him. 

“Guais! Guais we need you!” Arthur kicked open the door, Merlin was getting hotter and then colder and hotter again. It was unnatural. It must be magic.

“Guais what’s wrong with him? Is he under a spell?” Guais wasn’t given a chance to answer as more questions and theories came spilling out of the prince’s mouth. “We need to lay him down.” The old man said sharply as another round of flowers coughed up onto his ward’s chest. 

Gwaine moved now, swiping all of Guais’ papers and vials off of the main table. Arthur put Merlin on carefully. The boy was unconscious now. Arthur and Gwaine waited patiently for other other to explain.

“Merlin is sick with a very rare disease.” He started carefully. “It only shows up one in ten thousand people.” “What disease Guais?” The dark haired knight asked.

“It is known as Hanahaki disease, seeds bury themselves into the victim’s heart and lungs and flowers grow from them. The first stage is the petals. They cough up blood and flower petals for months, until they come up as whole. But it’s only been a few weeks at most. The process must have been sped up.” Arthur cringed when he remembered how hard he hit his servant. “What happens after?” 

“They will continue to cough out flowers until...” Until Merlin died. “How did he get this? I’ve been with him the whole the time.” Arthur pressed, if Merlin got this from something it could pose a threat to Camelot.

“A person can only have the possibility of Hanahaki if they love someone who does not love them back.” The way Guais looked at Arthur told him that it wasn’t exactly Gwaine he was talking about. “Merlin doesn’t love me!” “Yeah! He thinks he’s a prat!” The blond flared at his knight.

“The heart is very different from the mind.” The physician scolded. “How can we cure him.” Gwaine changed the subject, Arthur silently thanked him for that.

“Hanahaki can only be cured two ways. Neither are possible.” Guais was resigned. His age and weariness shown through his body as he took a seat next to the man he thought of as his own son.

“It won’t hurt to try.” Arthur insisted. “The first... the one they love must fully reciprocate the feelings of the sick back to them.” Arthur swallowed. He’s right, it wouldn’t be very possible. But this was Merlin! His friend... 

“And the other?” He asked eagerly. “It’s a spell,” The blond scrunched his brow at that word. “A spell that removes the seeds and the flowers.” 

That was easier, except it wasn’t. Because magic was illegal. But Merlin can’t die... but if they were to? No one would be able to anyway... then it clicked, Guais used to be a sorcerer! But he can’t ask Guais to break the very law he enforces. He needs to think, and fast. 

The gears turned and broke in his mind. “Guais. Would you be able to perform that spell?” It was Gwaine who asked it. “I could, but i would burn before I had the chance to cast it.” Arthur thought he saw anger flash in his weary eyes. 

“Guais, if... if he were to be cured, magically I mean... I could... I could not be here. Neither of us.” He motioned to both him and Gwaine. “If you were to just, save him.” Arthur definitely didn’t want Merlin to die. He can’t even imagine life without him.

“Sire, are you giving me permission to break the law?” There was the judge mental eye brow, but it was more hopeful than, well, judgey.

“No... we just, wouldn’t be here.” Arthur tried not to think about it. “But I have to warn you, with the seeds gone, Merlin’s feelings towards you as well as his memories of you will go with them.” Now that’s something he wished he’d known before hand. 

Was it worth it? The unconscious man on the table began to stir violently. Thrashing about and knocking over more books and vials.

“Merlin? Merlin!” They tried to hold him down as spasms racked his body. He let out a scream of agony, Arthur never wanted to hear that sound again. It was broken and raw.  
He ripped off his shirt in the process, goose bumps riding up his skin.

They watched as a stem began to grow out from where Merlin’s heart would be. Rapidly, it grew into a bud that spread out slowly. A million shades of blue danced and opened up.

“Guais you must have a potion to slow this down somehow?” “I don’t, nothing of science can stop this from killing Merlin.” 

Who cares if Merlin forgets him. Who cares if he doesn’t have feelings for Arthur. As long as he’s alive.

“Guais. Do it.”

With a nod, the older man grabbed a bowl, mixing multiple ingredients that neither of the two have ever seen. Chanting in an unknown language, Arthur pretended it was nothing.

Finally it was over and Guais began pouring the purplish liquid down Merlin’s throat.

They froze as it flowed into his system with a bright glow. It lit up the flowers in his lungs, a small painting on his chest. The glow went up the stem and stopped at the flower that was half way open. A bright flash blinded them all but for a few seconds. 

When the light died down, a blue crystallized flower floated on top of Merlin’s chest. It gently hovered from his heart, across the table, and finally settling itself in the palms of Arthur’s hands.

He looked down at it, it felt warm. Radiating with something that drew Arthur closer. Love. He was holding Merlin’s love in his hands. 

“Merlin?” The prince looked up, said Person was sitting up now. He abandoned the flower in favor of meeting his friend. “Merlin you oaf! As much as I don’t say it, I am your friend. You should have told me you were sick!”

“I’m sorry sir, but do I know you?”

Arthur frowned.

“No... I guess not.” 

“But you called me friend?”

“My mistake.” 

“Oh, well... I’m Merlin.” He looked unsure as he held his hand out awkwardly.


	5. Doing a second part

Not a chapter, sorry! but I am going to do a second part of this and make this kind of a two story series.

It’s what I was planning on doing from the beginning but I’ve been rather lazy with writing the next one, which will be more about how Arthur reacts with Merlin not remembering him and will have a better ending hopefully. 

Just added this note to let you guys know that it isn’t over yet! If you want to read the continuation of course.

**Author's Note:**

> Chapter one is done! I’ll write more soon!


End file.
